Corner Booth

I've always thought of myself as somewhat of a smooth operator. I'm fairly laid back and usually don't spaz out too often...last night was an exception to that rule. I met some friends down at a bar in Northside around 1:00. This particular bar stops serving drinks at 2:00 (as they all do in the 'nati) but stays open until 4:00 for those who enjoy getting their respective swerves on. Last night was all 80's music...very not bad. Anyway after a couple of hours I left and returned to a friend's house where I was the only sober being there. I got the tour, as it was my first time there, and as we approached the bathroom my friend explained that the lights in the shower had burned out and that they couldn't change them because of a cover over them that had been painted sealed. Here's where the idiocy begins. In my vast wisdom I claim that they should be able to get the lights out anyway and that the covers shouldn't be a problem. After all, me man, me gooder at fixing things than women. Me idiot. I proceeded to stand on the edges of the bath tub and attempt to unscrew the light bulb in order to prove my vast superiority. I knew standing up there was a dumb idea, God made me short so that I wouldn't have to change light bulbs but I was determined to prove my masculinity. After about 2 or 3 minutes of unscrewing a light bulb and realizing that there was no possible way to get it out without taking the cover off I bowed my head in defeat. Dejected and demoralized I attempted to step off of the tub and collect the minute ammount of self respect I had left...I failed miserably. You see, it seems the mat that goes on the bottom of the tub to keep people from slipping had been draped over the side of the tub...I think you can see where this is going. Upon stepping on the mat engineered to stop people from slipping, I slipped, oh sweet irony. Legs in the air and plummeting to the bathroom floor all I could think of was how embarrassing it would be if this was how I died. "You hear about Bo? Yeah he slipped on a non-slip shower mat while attempting to be smooth...serves him right." Once gravity had done it's job and the tile bathroom floor had done it's, I heard gasps and "Oh shit, are you ok?" Now if I was going to save face at all in this I had to have a witty retort. Something that would be clever and funny so that everyone would forget about the graceful dive I had just taken. "What did the Russian judge give me?" or " Just checking the gravity in here, it's good," anything. All I came up with though was, "Ouch." Somehow the outside of my shin had slammed the tub on my way down and a piercing pain was running up and down my leg. I really wanted to find a hole to crawl into, but, alas, there was no such hole in the bathroom. I stood up and just walked away, then tried to explain that they were, in fact, right about the light bulb cover and that everything I had just done may have just made things worse because the bulb was now resting on the cover and as soon as they took it off the bulb was going to fall out with it. Fuck getting back up on that tub though. Moral of the story...I'm not smooth and the Fates will kick my ass if I ever try to be.
Much Love,
Bo